Mario, Link & Kirby Vs The Death Trio
by Kii Wii Fr00t
Summary: Mario has a shameful secret, which hinders his, Link and Kirby's attempt to save Mushroom City
1. The Death Trio

Disclaimer: I do not own Mario

The Death Trio

And there they were, The Death Trio. Uber-Dave, Ultra-John, and The Pete Of Doom. Mario seemed unfazed by the destruction they had left in their wake, but that might be due to the large amounts of cannabis he had smoked earlier that day. He was brought back to his senses by a swift kick up the arse, courtesy of Link.

"Oww!" Yelled Mario while flying 12 foot in the air. "What the hell-a was that-a for?"

"Get a move on! They're heading for the city!" Replied Link

"Bloody stoner . . ." That was Kirby.

"Hey, I heard-a that!" Exclaimed Mario, which was quite an accomplishment, considering he was so out of his head on drugs that he couldn't figure out what the big red blob obscuring his eyes was. "What's-a this big red-a blob-a in front of my-a eyes anyways?!?!"

Kirby sighed. "Jesus Christ, it's your hat! It was your hat an hour ago, and it's your hat now!"

"Well . . . well . . . you're-a pink!"

"STOP IT GUYS! Arguing will not help! Mushroom City is in trouble! Come on!" Link was always good at restoring order to unruly cartoon heroes. "Mario, Peach is down there!"

These words seem to have at least a little effect. "Ok, let's go.".

And so they headed out. It took them 6 hours, 9 minutes and 47 seconds to reach the city, because Mario had ordered the wrong warp pipe while in his drug induced haze. They had meant to get there before the bad guys, but it ended up that they only got there after most of the city was destroyed. The only building that was left standing was Trus T. Toad's Explosive Emporium.

"Bollocks."

One word, uttered by Kirby, summed everything up. None of our heroes saw Uber-Dave as a formidable adversary, Ultra-John was more of a challenge, but not much more, and The Pete Of Doom was simply a pushover. But they had managed to destroy the city (most of it) before our heroes could stop them.

"You bloody stoner! You ruined everything!" Kirby continued "This is all your fault Mario!"

"What? Nobody told me I was-a working today! All I wanted to-a do was stay-a in-a and get-a stoned!"

"That's all you do all day every day!"

"You-a wanna take take-a this outside?"

"What? We are outside you retard!"

"Shut it you-a little pink-a windbag!"

"Well at least I don't have a poofy 'tache!"

As the argument grew, Link noticed something in the distance. Three figures, people maybe, walking stealthily in front of the moonlight. One tall, one short, and one fat. Uber-Dave, Ultra-John, and The Pete Of Doom! It had to be!

"Hey guys . . ."

"Well you're-a fat! Just like your-a Mamma!" (Mario)

"Guys . . ."

"Who are you calling fat, lard lad? You need to lay off the pasta you chubby bastard!"(Kirby)

"GUYS!! Shut the hell up and look at this!"

The little pink dude and the dungaree-wearing Italian man looked over to where Link was standing, and saw what he was looking at. They were in for a light show.

"We will-a sort-a this out at the next-a Smash Tournament!"

"Why bother? You know I will kick your arse!"

"What-a the F-?"

"Will you guys shut it and watch?!? Something's going down over there!"

And it was. Balls of light where exploding from the centre of each of the figures. Yellow for the tall one (Uber-Dave), pink for the short one (Ultra-John) and Green for the fat one (The Pete Of Doom). These glowing globes then joined together and these was an explosion of lilac light. All three of our heroes gasped (even Mario managed a slight surprised grunt).

"B-B-B-Bowser . . ."

"Ganondorf . . ."

"King Dedede . . ."

The figures weren't The Death Trio at all, but all three of our heroes arch enemies . . .


	2. Why DO I Always Have To Be The Fat One?

"Why do I always have to be the fat one?" Grumbled Bowser. "I'm not that big!"

"Well you're the fat… uh… _Biggest_of the three of us!" Exclaimed Ganondorf angrily. "The know the transformation process will not work as well if you try to be someone else!"

"I think it sucks as well." Said Dedede "I _hate _being short!"

"Shut up, both of you! Do you want me to use the spoon?!?"

The spoon, contrary to popular belief, is not as harmless as it seems. This device, often used for feeding babies, is also a instrument of immense pain, if used correctly. So when Ganondorf used it as a threat, it was quite a big deal, as he had the ability to use it to inflict some severe hurting.

"Grumble grumble grumble…" Grumbled Bowser. He did this a lot, especially when threatened by a force more powerful than himself.

"Come on then, bring it!" Sniggered Dedede, because (the other two did not know this) unlike Bowser, he actually enjoyed the pain the spoon brought, due to his unhealthy love of BDSM.

"Frankly, I can't be bothered with such trivial matters. How about I just get the flowers?"

That shut Dedede up. Ganondorf's flower threat was more effective than any threat of pain, because Dedede had an unfortunate allergic reaction to flowers that made his beaked head inflate, which in turn caused him to float six meters up in the air.

"Good little duck… thing. Well, has the princess said anything yet? Bowser, where have your minions taken her anyway?"

"She is safe, in my castle. General Koopnick?" A koopa troopa wearing the traditional koopa army shell appeared instantly. "Has the captive said what we need to hear?"

"Negative sire. She just keeps repeating herself."

"Oh? What is she saying?"

"She is saying 'Mario will kill you all you little shits!' Permission to use civilian language?"

"Okay… whatever…"

"She seems, excuse my language, stoned out of her brain."

"Hmm… This could be very good or very bad…"

"My Lord? What do you mean?"

"Think about it, you fool! If she is, as you say, stoned out of her brain, she could be easier to crack. On the other hand, she might be so drugged up that she can't remember the codes anyway."

"Ah, I see what you mean Sire. You are a genius my Lord."

"I know."

"Permission to use the, ahem, special weapon?"

"Affirmative, but only if it's been proved safe to use. I really don't need a dead Princess Toadstool on my hands."

"Don't worry about it, Your Spikiness. It is perfectly safe."

"Okay then, go you fool! And get those codes!"

The koopa general was gone in a flash. Bowser turned round to see King Dedede sniggering into his hammer.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Uh… ahem… Bowser…"

"_King _Bowser."

"Yes, of course, _King _Bowser… uh… are you wearing a thong?"

Dedede exploded with laughter.


	3. Sadistic Mr Koopnick

The koopa ran as fast as his little short legs could carry him. He didn't want to risk spinning inside his shell, which would have been faster, as he didn't to scuff his shell again. Last time that happened, King Koopa made him… well, the less said about that the better. Let's just say that it involved a plunger and this unlucky koopa's behind. He still has the bruises, poor soul.

"Gotta hurry, Gotta hurry, Gotta hurry!"

This young koopa became a general at the very young age of 16. Koopa years, that is. You see, the oldest koopa ever recorded (this is in The Mushroom Kingdom Book Of Records) was reportedly 798 years old when he died of OAD (Overgrown Appendix Disorder). OAD is a nasty illness that occurs only in koopas. It is when you eat too many bones and your appendix is unable to handle them. It then swells up and starts to make its way backwards up your digestive tract, then somehow manoeuvres itself into the throat. This whole process can take years to fully develop, but has no symptoms and can only be detected in an autopsy.

So you understand that 16 koopa years is very young. In fact, 16 koopa years is 2 human years, so _technically _General Koopnick was only 2 when he became a general. (He is not the youngest however. General H. G. Koopafe II became a general while still in his mother's womb.)

"Oh my lord, I simply can't wait for this!" He exclaimed with great pleasure. He's a sadistic little man, this General Koopnick. "The Secret Weapon. _Finally! _I've been waiting for so _long!_"

He arrived at the castle a little bit later. The heavy metal drawbridge above the lava moat lowered with a bang, and he raced across it. He hurried down to the dungeon and when he got there he started shouting in an odd high pitched voice.

"We can use it! The boss said we can use it! Turn it on! For bastard's sake _turn it on!_"

"Sir! Slow down! What do you mean!?!?"

"Insolent Fool! You're just a private! What do you know?!?"

"Please Sir! No-one has a clue what you are talking about!"

"The Secret Weapon! Bowser himself gave us permission to use it to get the codes out of Peach!"

A wide grin appeared on the privates face.

"Shall I set it up Sir?"

"Yes, but get one of the tech guys to help you. I want no mistakes! And get someone to get me a cup of coffee. _Pronto!_"

"Sir, yes Sir!" And with a salute the private zoomed off.

Koopnick sat on one of the chairs by the gate into the prisons. He could hear that damn Princess calling out to him.

"You!" She was saying "Yes YOU! The only one by the gate! What is this piece of crap called the 'Secret Weapon' anyway?"

"You'll see." Said Koopnick with a snigger. "You'll see…"

"I don't think I will! Mario will be here soon, and when he does get here…"

Koopnick caught no more, as he had popped in the earphones of his kPod. He had the latest song from The Koops to listen to.

"I don't care what you're fighting for… doo doo doo… but I ain't gonna open my door! Doo doo dooooooooo…"

"Sir?"

"Doo doo doo…"

"Uh… Sir?"

"I don't care what you're train is fooooooooooooor! Oh yeah!"

"SIR!"

"What the-? What the fuck are you looking at Private?"

"Umm… The… Uhhh… S-s-s-secret w-w-w-weapon is r-r-r-ready Sir…"

"Good! But where's my coffee?"

"Right h-h-h-here Sir…"

"Aaaah… Perfect as always. Shall we start the show?"

The Secret Weapon looked identical to a revolver on a tripod. Except 20 times bigger. And pink. With yellow polka dots.

Peach laughed.

"What the hell is that thing? It looks like a bloody toy!"

"Ha ha ha…" Sniggered Koopnick "Looks can be deceiving… Private Koopson, Fire it up!"

"O-o-o-okay Sir. All systems go!" Said a voice from the chair mounted on the back of the revolver. The chair was green, and shaped like a flower. Apparently, the Secret Weapon was made completely to General Koopnick's specifications. If you were to ask him, however, you would probably get your head blown off by his pink and yellow personalised revolver with a flower on the back, while he insists that the design had nothing to do with him.

The Secret Weapon (which isn't so secret anymore) started to make an eerie whistling sound, which then progressed to a no-less-eerie hum. It started shaking. It shook so much that Private Koopson almost fell off. _Almost_, but not quite.

More and more it shook, louder and louder it hummed, until finally, with a cross between a pop and a bang, out flew a red object. But it didn't leave the weapon. It just stuck out of the barrel like some kind of weird extension for some kind of weird house.

Then it unravelled.

A red flag, with one simple word on it.

BANG!

A brief silence, then the sound of Koopnick's voice.

"Well, stoner, how d'ya like _them _apples!?!?"


	4. It’s… it’s in the phone book Sir

"I told you! They are the wife's! There wasn't any other underwear in the drawer! And I was in a rush!"

Dedede was still taking the piss out of Bowser for wearing the thong, and Bowser was starting to get annoyed.

"I'm starting to get annoyed here!" Said Bowser, and it sounded like he was annoyed. "Shut the hell up, or I'll … I'll… I'll do something bad!"

"What in God's name could _you _do to _me_?" Giggled Dedede, rolling on the floor. "I doubt you can move very fast, especially in ladies' pants!" This sent him into fits of mad laughter. Again.

"I swear, one more word…!" He stopped because his mobile phone was ringing. "Hello?"

"Sir? It's general Koopnick."

"Koopnick? How did you get my private number?"

"Um… Err…"

"Well?"

"Um… Well… you see…"

"TELL ME!"

"It's… it's in the phone book Sir."

"Oh." He started to blush. "Well? What are you waiting for? Why did you ring me?"

"To say that The Secret Weapon worked Sir. Not in the way it was designed though."

"Quit the techno mumbo-jumbo! Tell me what happened!"

"Well, Sir, The Secret Weapon is designed to…"

"I _know _what it's designed to do, but you said that it didn't work in the way it's designed, so just go from there!"

"Of course Sir, sorry Sir, you're perfectly right…"

"Stop kissing my ass and get on with it!"

"Of course Sir. Well, it turns out that the prisoner…"

"Call her Peach."

"Yes Sir. It turns out that the pri… uh… Peach, has an acute irrational fear of red felt. Especially red felt with an onomatopoeia on it."

"Okay…" Bowser didn't know that an onomatopoeia is a word that sounds like a sound. Boom, for instance. "Did you get the codes?"

"Yes Sir. Is this a secure connection?"

"It all depends on where you are phoning from."

General Koopnick was actually standing in a phone box with a packet of chips in his arms. Grease was running down his arms and everything, the mucky pup.

"Errr… I don't think my phone is secure Sir."

"Well, tell me when I get back to the castle then." And he hung up.

Dedede was still laughing.

"A thong! A _woman's _thong!" He was saying, through tears of laughter. "Not even a _man's _thong!"

"Oh, piss off."

Ganondorf was getting tired of these two buffoons. He wanted to know what the phone call had been about. So he asked Bowser. And learned that Peach had given up the codes.

He grinned.

"Well, let's head back to the castle then. Only two more sets of codes after this!"

They all started to grin. It had been easy so far. They started on their way towards the castle.

Dedede couldn't stop himself.

"A ladies' thong!"

He made the rest of the journey with a black eye, a bent beak and a Bowser-fist sized indent in his reinforced titanium hat. And from that point on, he never made a joke concerning Bowser and a thong ever again.

No-one can think why.


	5. The Secret To How Mario Jumps So High

"Holy shit…" Muttered Link.

He had been eavesdropping on the conversation that Ganondorf, Bowser and King Dedede just had. He had to gag Kirby because he was laughing too much at the whole "thong" incident, but he managed to get the drift. Mario, however, had just passed out on his own accord.

"Mmmf! Mmpf mmmmmmmmmmpf!"

"Sssh…"

"Mmmpf mmm mmpf mmpf mmpf _mmpf!_"

"Shut up!"

"Mmmmpf mmmmpf _mmmmpf!_"

"Kirby for the love of-"

He turned around to discover that it wasn't Kirby making the annoying noises, but Mario. For some reason, there was a large pillow over his face. No-one knows how it got there, and it doesn't seem that anyone ever will. It's just one of life's mysteries.

"_Mmmmmmmpf!_" Said Mario as Link walked towards him in a strange, confused sort of way, and continued to wrench the pillow from young Mario's face.

"Thank-a you! It was-a hard to-a breathe!" Exclaimed Mario breathlessly.

"How did that pillow get there?" Asked Link

"Pillow? I-a thought it was-a Kirby!" Replied Mario, then he passed out again.

Meanwhile, Kirby had broken out of his restraints, and proceeded to laugh at what some journalists are calling the "Bowser in cross-dressing shocker!". Until Link punched him in the face, that is. Or was it his body?

"Do you even realise how serious this is? Either of you?"

Mario awoke.

"I know-a the answer to-a this-a! NO!" Then he passed out with a smile on his face.

"I do!" Said Kirby "But it's so. Damn. Funny!"

Mario awoke from his third drug-induced coma to find that there was a weird looking magikoopa wearing a black cloak standing next to him.

"Hissssssss… I gotsss ssssome good sssshit if you're interessssssted…"

"Hey-a, whatcha got-a?"

As this conversation grew, Link was still having a go at Kirby.

"Listen to me! Bowser said something about codes. I think I know what he is talking about as well. If it's what I think it is, then they only have two more sets of codes to get. And Zelda has one set. I don't have a clue where the last set is…"

Kirby shifted from one foot to the other, but Link didn't notice.

"…But I am _sure _that Zelda has one set. We have no time to lose! It's too late for Peach, but we could still save Zelda! Uhhh… where's Mario?"

"He's talking to that drug dealer over there. You know he never goes on an adventure without taking an E first. How do you think he jumps so high?"

"Oh yeah. That makes sense I suppose…"


	6. Who has the codes?

"Yes! Finally!" Bowser was ecstatic. "The codes are ours! The Magical Fridge will soon be mine!"

"What?!?" Exclaimed Dedede "I thought we were going after the Plantpot Of All Truth And Wisdom?"

"Shut up fools." Said Ganondorf, removing himself from the bathroom. "Only _I _know what we're going after, and believe me, it's far, far better than the trivial items you pitiful pair want."

This brought forth a lot of grumbles from the pair of (in the words of Ganondorf) fools, whereas The Dark Lord just chuckled to himself.

"So, we have one set of codes. The other two are in the clutches of Princess Zelda and… well… Dedede, who has the last set?"

The Duck King shuffled from one yellow webbed foot to the other no-less-yellow and no-less-webbed foot, and scratched his back with his hammer.

"Umm… Err… I…" He swallowed noisily "I don't… actually know…"

He cringed, ready for the verbal (and maybe physical) explosion about to erupt from Lord Ganondorf's mouth. When nothing happened, Dedede sneaked a look up.

Ganondorf was standing there with an evil look in his eye.

"That's good. I can't yell at someone who isn't looking at me can I?"

_That's _when the explosion came.

"_WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE GODESSES DO YOU MEAN?!?! YOU DON'T KNOW?!?! THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE HERE IS BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU KNEW WHO HAD THE CODES!"_

"Well… uh… I have an _inkling…"_

"_AN INKLING?!?! YOU TOLD ME POINT BLANK THAT YOU KNEW WHO HAD THE BLOODY CODES!! WHAT IS THIS 'INKLING' ANYWAY?!?!"_

"Err… there was a rumour going around that Kirby himself has them…"

He cringed again, but this news seemed to make Ganondorf happy…er.

"Fantastic. Now we get to kill those pestering midgets as well." An evil grin crept onto his face. "Thank you Dedede, you might get fed tonight. Note I said _might._"

He walked off laughing.

XXX

Now, this all happened inside King Bowser Koopa's Throne room. Outside the door, there were two Koopa Privates. One said to the other:

"Man, that was a good show. But there's one thing I don't get."

"What's that?"

"I thought Ganondorf was sealed up inside this weird realm thingy wasn't he?"

"Meh. Maybe we'll find out how he's out when the author thinks of a way he could have gotten free."

"Yeah. Maybe."

XXX

Bowser took the wastepaper basket off of his head and surveyed the area.

"H-has he stopped yelling?"

Dedede replied in a shaky voice "Y-yeah."

"Phew. At least he didn't destroy my throne room."

"Unfortunately, he did."

"WHAT?!?"


End file.
